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Tiffany Ching at the Suffolk County
Courthouse, where the trial of Oliver

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continued today.

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Martin, the noted jockey, was sworn in,
then testified that he did indeed throw

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the brisky handicap, but only because
his horse, Bone Weary, told him to do

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The defense's star witness, psychiatrist
Jason Seaver, testified that Martin was

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indeed insane.

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After his testimony, Dr. Seaver offers
this comment.

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Dr. Seaver, do you... No comment.

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No comment.

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No comment. No comment. No comment.

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I can make Daddy walk backwards like a
duck.

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Chrissy, it's not a toy. It's for grown
-ups. Right.

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And besides, I can make him cha -cha.

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Do it again. I want to see it. Okay,
okay. Watch this.

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My poor baby.

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I can't wait till those glasses of yours
come in.

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Oh, they're in. The doctor called
yesterday.

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Actually, it was another doctor. Um, Dr.

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Pepper.

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Hello, everybody.

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Hi, honey.

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You're on TV.

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Yes. Oh, Jason, we're all so proud of
you. Well, get ready to be even more

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proud. Guess what I was offered because
of all this trial publicity?

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A column on the Long Island Sentinel.

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Oh, hi. Yes. Great job.

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Right, that... Well, sweetheart, it's
kind of hard to explain if you haven't

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read a newspaper.

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But some of us would still like to know.

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Well, it's... Then it's a series of
articles, all on one theme. Mine will

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with psychology.

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I'll help people with their fears and
their hopes and their dreams and their

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fantasies. Kind of like a 900 number.

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What's a 900 number?

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Well, it's kind of expensive, but... I
have no idea.

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I mean, I'd never pay two dollars a
minute to talk to some girl in a bikini.

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Hey, kids, let's go bake a hot apple
pie.

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Well, I think your column sounds great,
Dad.

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It's just too bad your other children
aren't mature enough to appreciate it.

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Ben, you moron, you taped over Bambi!

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Jason, tell me more about your column.
Well, I worked it all out over the phone

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with the editor, a guy named Doug
Stanton.

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Huh. Doug, if you give me the penny,
I'll pinch it, Stanton.

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Well, I didn't catch his middle name.

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Oh, I worked for him years ago. When it
comes to paying writers, he can be

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frugal. You gotta get up pretty early in
the morning to frugal Jason Seaver,

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Maggie.

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If nothing else, I'm a good negotiator.
Oh, good.

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What's he paying? Well, we haven't
nailed that down yet. How long is the

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supposed to be? Sometimes long,
sometimes short.

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Daily? Weekly? It's unstructured still.

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Well, I assume you're getting violent.

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Maggie, not all this is etched in stone.

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So, in other words, Mr.

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Negotiator, you could be working long
hours for little or no money while

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else gets the credit?

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I've been frugal.

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He's ready to be.

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piece of filth. Maggie Malone, the
bubblehead who left me for the 5 o

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news. I haven't been on TV in ages. Get
over it. I won't say another word. Sit.

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Talk to me.

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That is, if you can handle it without a
teleprompter.

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So, what brings you here?

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You want to see people actually work for
a living?

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My husband's Jason Siebert. What, the
Martin case?

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The shrink with the big hair?

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I'm here to make sure you don't take
advantage of him.

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Maggie, I'm insulted.

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I'm giving him double basic with
inflated top end.

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Really? And how much do you pay the
paper boys?

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Well, no top end.

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Just after a decent salary and some
guarantees on column length and byline.

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Maggie, you're killing me.

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Do you want him or not?

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Okay.

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I'll pay him senior scale.

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But don't you dare say a word about this
to any of the paper boys.

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I am going to smash this worthless piece
of junk.

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You bought the Shiitake 2000?

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Why don't you just paint ink on your
hand?

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Here, hold this down while I thread this
through the J -clips.

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When did you learn so much about
printers?

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I researched them.

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When I make a major purchase, I do my
homework.

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There, I'll bet. Now, wait a minute.

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This could be a column.

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Every week you could tell my readers how
to get the best value for their dollar.

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But I came here to talk about Jason's
column. Well, sure, but there's room for

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both of you. He'll do the shrink stuff,
you do the microwaves, VCRs, furniture

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polish, all that Ralph Nader crud. You
mean consumer awareness? See, you got a

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handle on this already.

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Maggie, come on.

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Your writing is punchy to the point. I
know you'll never use a passive sentence

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or a fancy buzzword like buzzword.

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What do you say?

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Will I receive some form of salary?

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Maggie, you're killing me.

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What are you doing, Mike?

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Well, I'm making out my lesson plan for
next week.

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Oh, would you like to borrow Chrissy's
crayon?

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One crack and I'm gone.

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Mike, cut that out.

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Oh, you don't know what you're asking,
Dad.

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Well, I'll say something. I think you
look brainy.

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Don't stop him, Dad. My pancreas is
about to blow.

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Brainy is just another word for geek.
Hey, I wear glasses. I'm not a geek.

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Sure, you've got a woman.

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Oh, man, I've got to go lay down. I
think I just hurt myself.

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Everybody, guess what?

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Your meeting went well with Doug
Stanton?

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Oh, did it ever. And I got you, hold on
to your hat, more money than the

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paper boys.

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Wow. And guess what I was offered?

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Three bags full of waffle irons.

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No, a column.

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Honey, you're writing a column, too?
That's wonderful.

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Way to go, Mom.

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I'm going to call it Maggie Malone
Consumer Watch. dog.

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And I'm testing these for my first
piece, so it's waffles all weekend.

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Yes!

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Oh, I'll get it.

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Well, isn't this exciting? Two people in
the same family with columns.

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Daddy, Mommy gets waffles with her
columns.

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What do you get?

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Well, it's not a material thing. It's
just the satisfaction I get out of

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people solve their problems.

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Well, I'm sorry, too.

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Thank you.

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Well, I knew it was too good to be true.

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Who was that?

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Doug Stanton. His publisher slashed his
budget so he only has enough money for

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one column.

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Well, he better not cut your column
because he better not cut my column. Who

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the exit?

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Neither. You know, he actually had the
nerve to suggest that we each submit a

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sample column.

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I told him that we refused to compete.

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Honey, are you saying that... I'm saying
that the column is all yours. Oh,

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that's one darn shame.

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I'm sorry, Maggie. I mean, are you all
right with that?

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I'm fine. I'm fine. Carol, Chrissy, help
me pack these stupid waffle irons. You

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said stupid. You said... And that is a
sign of tension. I'm sensing it. Don't

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silly. I am very happy for you, Jake.
You sure?

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Absolutely. Good.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, Carol
Cressy, stop packing. Maggie, I am a

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professional at this, and I am sensing
your pain here. And if I let you give up

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your column, you would never forgive me.
Oh, so you're saying that you'll give

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up your column? Just as I would never
forgive you.

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I think we ought to let Stanton decide.

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Jason, I don't think it's a good idea,
our competing.

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Well, let's not think of this as
competing, Maggie. Let's see it as both

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having a chance at something wonderful.

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Oh, what the heck.

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Dessert waffles for everybody.

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Yes!

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Somebody say waffles.

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Oh, Dan, I love your glasses.

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They make you look so brainy.

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That settles it. I'm going to die a
virgin.

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Am I in the right house? Mike Seaver
studying twice in the same day.

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Come on, would you keep it down, Carol?
I happen to be working on something very

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technical and complex here. Mike, have
you finished the waffle questionnaire

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yet? Yeah.

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Maggie, I've got a great title for my
column.

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How about Between Your Ears with Jason
Seaver?

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Sounds kind of crowded.

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How about something punchy like shrink
wrap?

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No, no, seriously, how do you like mine?

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Chrissy, come on. It's not too bad.

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Boy, Mom and Dad are flirting with big
trouble.

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What are you talking about, Carol?

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Mom and Dad both going after the same
column?

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Competition is a weed in the garden of
love.

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And you, Carol, are the fertilizer.

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Oh, come on, Carol. What are you making
such a big deal out of all this for?

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Because it is a big deal.

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How can I explain it to you?

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Let me use an example.

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Okay, fine.

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All right, now suppose you and I were
competing against each other for

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something, okay?

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So there we are, brother and sister.
Now, what are we competing at?

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It doesn't matter. It's an example,
okay?

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Okay. So there we are. Now, how can I
follow your example if I don't know what

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00:11:16,010 --> 00:11:17,010
we're competing at?

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00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,990
Okay, fine. It's a spelling bee. Okay.

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00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:21,290
Okay, fine. Good.

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00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:23,070
So there we are.

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00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:25,110
Now, wait a minute. Why would I want to
be in a spelling bee?

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00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,260
It doesn't matter. It's a hypothetical
situation.

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00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,100
But, Carol, you beat the pants off me.
Now, can't we just pick something I'd be

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00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:32,679
good at?

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00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:33,680
Okay, fine.

194
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,940
How about one -on -one basketball?

195
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,180
Okay. All right. Good.

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00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,400
Basketball. So there we are. Now, why
would you want to play basketball again?

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00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,340
Mike, Carol, how does this sound for my
first piece?

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00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,340
The id, ego, and superego.

199
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,860
Merging the self in a non -fraternal
world.

200
00:11:59,099 --> 00:12:00,420
Oh, I like that, Dad.

201
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:02,100
That's great.

202
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,920
I think so. I like it. I'm excited.

203
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:10,540
You're kidding. You understood that?

204
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,380
Yeah. Dad's writing an article about
fraternities.

205
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,360
Jason, is that a passive sentence?

206
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:22,619
Which one?

207
00:12:22,620 --> 00:12:23,620
That one.

208
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,000
And that one.

209
00:12:27,690 --> 00:12:30,910
And this one with the word buzzword in
it? Pretty good.

210
00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:36,090
I know it's funny how some people don't
like that word.

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00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,910
As a matter of fact, some people hate
that word.

212
00:12:40,590 --> 00:12:42,090
Jason? Mm -hmm?

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00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:43,390
Lose the word.

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00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,890
Honey, it's not like this is the first
time I've ever been published.

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00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:52,150
Yes, but that was for other
psychiatrists. This is for actual

216
00:12:53,070 --> 00:12:57,310
Why do you think I used the popular term
buzzword? Buzzword, darling.

217
00:12:58,710 --> 00:12:59,710
Cupcake.

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00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:05,350
I'm just trying to give you the benefit
of 20 years of journalistic experience.

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00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:10,150
Oh, and I appreciate that, Puppy Toes,
and all the love it shows. But I'm going

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to continue to write about my proven
scientific theories while you confine

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yourself to writing about, and I'm just
going to say it, waffles.

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00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:21,710
I think I'll work on this tomorrow.

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00:13:23,530 --> 00:13:25,350
All right, me too. I'm kind of tired.

224
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:43,090
You're opening the window?

225
00:13:44,050 --> 00:13:45,870
It's a little stuffy in here.

226
00:13:47,150 --> 00:13:51,230
Well, I have the house the way you want
it, Maggie. Don't worry about my stiff

227
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:54,770
neck. I didn't know you had a stiff
neck. Oh, no, I didn't mention it

228
00:13:54,770 --> 00:13:56,010
was afraid you'd want one, too.

229
00:13:59,450 --> 00:14:03,310
Now, what is that supposed to mean? Oh,
nothing, nothing, Maggie. Just a little

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00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,310
shrink wrap.

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00:14:05,790 --> 00:14:10,410
It will now be closed by me, which, yes,
I realize is a passive sentence,

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00:14:10,590 --> 00:14:12,430
Maggie, but it does get the job done.

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00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:21,460
Want me to do it?

234
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,760
Oh, the authority on everything, yes.

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00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,540
As a matter of fact, I am.

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00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,860
Close the window, Maggie. Now you'll be
uncomfortable.

237
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:36,400
No, Jason, because I will be much more
comfortable sleeping on the cold, hard

238
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,900
floor than next to you.

239
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:40,760
Oh, that's real mature, Maggie.

240
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,800
How am I going to sleep up here in a
nice, warm bed when you're down there?

241
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,140
You made your nice warm bed, now lie in
it.

242
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:51,980
I don't want it, and you can't make me.
I can't believe you're doing this. I'm

243
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:53,880
doing it, Maggie, and I'm doing it all
by myself.

244
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,080
And I'm doing it better than you.

245
00:14:56,620 --> 00:14:57,640
Fine. Fine.

246
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,099
Good night.

247
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,100
Good night.

248
00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:08,620
Guys,

249
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,840
we have had Belgian waffle, Mexican
waffle.

250
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:14,869
Mooshu waffles.

251
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:17,270
Waffles ranchero.

252
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,170
Does anyone know what the heck that was
last night?

253
00:15:20,450 --> 00:15:21,990
Liver and onion waffles.

254
00:15:24,870 --> 00:15:28,470
Knock it off, you guys. We have to keep
eating these waffles until Mom finishes

255
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:29,249
her column.

256
00:15:29,250 --> 00:15:30,910
Oh, I finished my column last night,
honey.

257
00:15:58,410 --> 00:16:01,730
They're broken. They are not, you
nearsighted little weenie. They're just

258
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:03,250
They're broken.

259
00:16:03,870 --> 00:16:07,910
Well, sweetheart, if your glasses are
broken, a little masking tape will make

260
00:16:07,910 --> 00:16:08,910
them good as new.

261
00:16:10,810 --> 00:16:11,810
Masking tape?

262
00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:14,930
Hey,

263
00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:16,510
I was wrong. They're not broken.

264
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,210
It's a miracle. I can see. I can see.

265
00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:21,930
Good morning, family.

266
00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:23,049
Hey, Dad.

267
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,750
Dearest. My love.

268
00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:29,390
I'll be taking my column over to Doug's
office this morning. It would be my

269
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:32,890
pleasure to bring yours with me. Oh, how
very thoughtful of you. But then you

270
00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:33,890
always are.

271
00:16:35,150 --> 00:16:36,390
Oh, let me help you with that.

272
00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:40,070
Oh, thank you, Jason. How very
thoughtful of you.

273
00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:42,250
The least I could do. Watch your step.
Okay.

274
00:16:42,530 --> 00:16:43,389
I'll get that.

275
00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:44,830
Thank you. Oh, okay.

276
00:16:45,850 --> 00:16:46,850
My gosh.

277
00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:49,030
Those two are ready to go for each
other's throats.

278
00:16:49,670 --> 00:16:51,630
Oh, Carol, you sound like a broken
record.

279
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:54,390
Come on. They're just being lovey
-dovey. Yeah, Carol.

280
00:16:54,770 --> 00:16:55,770
Newsflash.

281
00:16:57,180 --> 00:17:00,580
acting happy? Because they're happy.
Yeah, has anybody heard an angry word

282
00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:01,580
of them all weekend?

283
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,220
They were really mad.

284
00:17:03,540 --> 00:17:05,099
They can never hide it from us.

285
00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:10,640
Doug would like to see us at three o
'clock. Is that okay for you? Perfect.

286
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:12,540
See you there. Good.

287
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,680
There. Now do you see what I'm talking
about?

288
00:17:20,579 --> 00:17:21,579
Judges.

289
00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,730
My first day of geekdom is officially
over.

290
00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:36,010
Ben, cool guys wear glasses, too, you
know. Oh, yeah? Name 20.

291
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:38,050
Woody Allen.

292
00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:40,150
Jose Feliciano.

293
00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:43,290
Urkel.

294
00:17:43,550 --> 00:17:46,810
Urkel? My sister likes him. She's four
years old.

295
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:51,750
Well, what about Clark Kent? He wears
glasses and he has Lois Lane.

296
00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:54,010
When he's Clark Kent, she doesn't give
him the time of day.

297
00:17:54,270 --> 00:17:57,030
But as soon as those glasses come off,
ba -bing, ba -boom.

298
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,690
Look over there. It's Jessica Hart.

299
00:18:01,070 --> 00:18:04,030
I've had a crush on her since the fifth
grade. She doesn't even know I'm alive.

300
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:09,110
Don't breathe. Here she comes.

301
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:11,630
Hi.

302
00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:14,430
Aren't you in my third period English
class?

303
00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:19,390
I recognize those cool glasses.

304
00:18:20,230 --> 00:18:21,270
Are you new in school?

305
00:18:22,090 --> 00:18:23,090
Yes.

306
00:18:24,530 --> 00:18:26,310
My name's Jessica. What's yours?

307
00:18:26,990 --> 00:18:28,870
Um... Kent.

308
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:30,290
Clark Kent.

309
00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:33,570
You want to walk me to the bus, Clark?

310
00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:35,470
Sure.

311
00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:38,990
Bum -bing, bum -boom.

312
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:45,270
Doug, you slimy snake in the grass.

313
00:18:45,630 --> 00:18:47,830
Maggie, you walking Kewpie doll.

314
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,390
Stan, you old toad.

315
00:18:53,390 --> 00:18:55,570
Hey, take it easy. I got feelings.

316
00:18:58,590 --> 00:18:59,590
Sir.

317
00:18:59,830 --> 00:19:00,830
Sit.

318
00:19:04,430 --> 00:19:05,430
Maggie Malone?

319
00:19:06,430 --> 00:19:07,470
Jason Seaver.

320
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:12,330
Talk to me.

321
00:19:13,170 --> 00:19:14,610
You old toad.

322
00:19:14,810 --> 00:19:15,810
I drew a blank.

323
00:19:16,650 --> 00:19:20,670
No, you stay where you are. I'm coming
down there with a letter opener to cut

324
00:19:20,670 --> 00:19:22,510
out your heart and stomp on it.

325
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,730
I love this business.

326
00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:36,030
I guess it would be wrong for us to look
at them. Yes, very unprofessional.

327
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,850
Wow! Mine doesn't have a mark on it.

328
00:19:44,410 --> 00:19:47,030
Mine does. It's covered with red ink.

329
00:19:47,610 --> 00:19:50,090
Well, that doesn't necessarily mean that
he doesn't like it.

330
00:19:50,830 --> 00:19:53,330
Jason, he used it as a coaster.

331
00:19:55,390 --> 00:19:58,570
I suppose the congratulations are in
order.

332
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:03,660
Honey, believe me, when I encouraged you
to follow this thing through, I never

333
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:08,620
dreamed that... Well, I dreamed, maybe,
but I really didn't think... Jason,

334
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,480
I'm very happy for you.

335
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,320
I know you are, honey. I'll make it up
to you soon. Okay!

336
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:16,700
Where were we?

337
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,180
Oh, right.

338
00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:24,200
My wife tells me I'm too blunt with
people.

339
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:26,240
I'm trying to work on it.

340
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:28,820
Jason!

341
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:30,700
I love your tie.

342
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,200
Your column made me want to toss my
cookies.

343
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:39,780
Maggie, make a few changes. I think we
can get that in the morning edition.

344
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:42,780
You're giving me the column? Of course.
What did you think?

345
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,700
Well, I thought... What do you think she
thought? You made marks on hers. It

346
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:46,700
looked like a road map.

347
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:48,560
Not even a comment on mine.

348
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:54,220
I only make marks on my second pass. I
just couldn't face reading that again.

349
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:57,880
Well, was there a...

350
00:20:58,270 --> 00:20:59,470
Anything you liked about mine?

351
00:21:01,770 --> 00:21:08,550
I get the

352
00:21:08,550 --> 00:21:12,370
picture. I got it. That's no problem.
That's fine.

353
00:21:13,050 --> 00:21:15,810
That's okay. I'll see you at home.

354
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:27,310
Honey? Are you all right?

355
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:28,680
Oh, yeah.

356
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:34,760
You know, after you left, a part of me
wanted to tell Doug to take his column

357
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:35,760
and sit on it.

358
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,280
Well, that wasn't necessary.

359
00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:40,960
Fortunately, the part of me that spoke
accepted the column.

360
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,940
But I did tell him that I resented the
way he treated you. Yeah, well, he was

361
00:21:44,940 --> 00:21:45,940
blunt, wasn't he?

362
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,200
But he was right.

363
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,420
I got a copy of your article, Maggie.

364
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:55,360
No buzzwords, no passive sentences, only
sharp, intelligent, funny.

365
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,680
It reminded me of the night I danced
with Fred Astaire.

366
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,660
You never danced with Fred Astaire. Yes,
I did. I did so.

367
00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:09,460
I was watching Top Hat on TV, and Fred
got up and did some of those steps and

368
00:22:09,460 --> 00:22:12,940
made it look easy. I got up and did a
couple of those steps, did a big kick,

369
00:22:12,940 --> 00:22:13,940
popped a hamstring.

370
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:21,420
That's when I realized you have to be a
real pro to make something so hard look

371
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:22,420
so easy, Maggie.

372
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:24,360
And you are a pro.

373
00:22:25,830 --> 00:22:26,830
Oh, Jason.

374
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,510
Don't you think it's a little warm in
here?

375
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,390
I will open the window.

376
00:22:36,450 --> 00:22:38,810
No, no, no, not that kind of warm.

377
00:22:39,770 --> 00:22:40,770
Puppy toes.

378
00:22:41,090 --> 00:22:43,270
Oh, puppy toes. Yeah.

379
00:22:43,910 --> 00:22:45,170
That kind of warm.